Struggling to Bond with Your Baby: It's Normal!

It's that moment, that moment you've been waiting 10 months for. You've been through 10 hours of labour, and finally he's here, your baby. Your hands reach out when they hand him to you, and you look down and see... 

A screaming, red, raisin. Where was the cute little baby you'd been promised? This wasn't him, this couldn't be him. This little thing is a stranger. And then the little raisin wants to nurse and it hurts and he's up every 2 hours and you just want to sleep. You think of your 1 year old back home who you love so much, and then the guilt sets in. Why don't you love this baby like you love that one? 

...

This was me six months ago. I remember my mom coming down and asking me how I was doing a couple days after Jeremiah was born, and I broke down. Because I didn't love this baby. I mean sure, I was gonna keep him alive, and we were nursing, and I didn't want anything bad to happen to him... but I didn't love him either. He was a stranger, and a mean one at that! 

I felt so bad. 

And you know what my mom said to me? "Yeah. Sometimes it happens like that. You gotta get to know them first. It'll come, but for now, I'm sorry." 

Just like that. Oh right, that. No accusations of child abuse, no hatred, no whispered rumours about how I'm a terrible mom. Just a quiet understanding of how hard it is. 

Sometimes bonding doesn't happen in that moment. Sometimes that perfect moment, isn't so perfect. 

Six months later, I can now say that I adore Jeremiah. I love his perfect little smiles, I love his awesome little giggles. I love how he prefers me to his dad. (Score one for mom!) 

But I didn't then. With Elsie I had that moment. That moment where you first see them and you just love them. I didn't with Miah, and apparently, I'm not the only one. 

Turns out, lots of moms have this issue. Lots of moms look at their children for the first couple weeks/months and think "Who the heck are you and why won't you sleep and why do you want to nurse again, don't you know my nipples hurt?" Turns out, it's normal too. 

To the new mom who is googling this topic. IT IS NORMAL. 

To the grandma who never struggled and is trying to understand her daughter: IT IS NORMAL. 

To the friend who wants to assure her new mom friend: IT IS NORMAL. 

Sometimes you gotta get to know them first. Sometimes... sometimes you have to be the adult in the relationship and take care of that baby even when somewhere deep in your heart, you're angry and resentful and you're sleep deprived and you just want to let him cry for a bit. 

Moms, just keep holding that baby. Keep feeding him, keep getting up and rocking him. One day you will look at him and think "I love you." And you will mean it. Someday you'll look at that little baby and he won't be a stranger anymore. Someday he'll look at you and your heart will melt. I can't promise it will be today, I can't promise it'll be tomorrow. But it'll come. And maybe it won't BE that shiny moment that you're told to expect. Maybe it'll be that one day you wake up and you're happy to see him. And that's good too. 

Moms, IT'S NORMAL. Needing to get to know your child is normal.  

Do me a favour? Call someone, tell them you need help.

You don't have to do any of this alone. No one does. Whether you are struggling to bond, or had that blissful moment of bonding, or you are struggling with just getting up to care for your child... you are NOT alone. There are thousands of moms just like you out there, struggling to bond too, and there are those who have been there before, whose hearts break for you. Who are praying for you, the mom who is reading this post in a panic because she can't stand to hold this screaming ball of sleeplessness anymore. 

Hold on. Someday IS coming. 

I'm praying for you.

Natasha

Now, there is a caution here. If you find yourself so upset you can't care for your baby, or you think you might hurt your baby, get help. Call your mom, your dad, your best friend, your OB or Midwife, call a help line, get someone to come over. Go to someone you trust and tell them you need help. Tell them what you are thinking and they can help you get help. Please. 

Keeping a Good Attitude When Life with Littles is Hard

You know those days when things just fly by? When nothing seems to go your way, when the house is a disaster, the laundry isn't done, the baby wants to be played with or cuddled, and you just want to have five minutes to yourself, and it hasn't happened in weeks?

The last two weeks have been like this. Wiggles is going through this always wanting to be held and snuggled stage. Which is awesome. Sometimes okay. Mostly I'm just struggling. 

I find myself frustrated and taking it out on those around me more and more. 

And every time I see Flash jump and look at me with those hurt little doe eyes, or Caleb give that little sigh, I feel the spirit pricking me saying 'Why did you talk to him like that. Check your attitude.' I am the first to admit that I should be giving out many more apologies than I have been. 

I have been pouring over my Bible these last couple days, looking for ways to keep a good attitude when everything seems hard, and you know what? The Bible has some super practical answers for me, and for you too!

1. Joy

Proverbs 17: 22

A joyful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones. 

Joy isn't some mystical emotion that is linked to happiness. No, joy is a choice, and a blessing from God. I can choose to be joyful in my life. You can too. Don't spend your day thinking about how hard your day is. Spend your day joyfully doing your work, playing with your baby, and enjoying every moment. Notice how that word enjoying sounds like you're making it joyful? It's because you are. It's easy to be joyful in the fun times, but having a joyful spirit in the hard times is one of those things we all need to discipline ourselves into learning. 

2. Work for God

Colossians 3:23

Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men.

There will be days when you get up and say 'I don't want to do this.' We all have them. But then get up, look at yourself in the mirror and say 'I'm working for Christ, and he deserves my best effort today. And so even if I'm tired or frustrated, I will work hard, because Christ deserves my best.'

3. Without Complaining

Philippians 2:14-15

Do all things without grumbling or questioning, that you may be blameless and innocent, children of God without blemish in the midst of a crooked and twisted generation, among whom you shine as lights in the world.

It is so tempting to complain when things are hard. But this is the opposite of joy, and the only helps to make everyone around you miserable. Turn your thoughts away from complaints, and never let them drip from your lips. You'll be surprised how much this one simple change will change your day. 

4. With Praise

Psalm 150:1-6

Praise the Lord! Praise God in his sanctuary; praise him in his mighty heavens! Praise him for his mighty deeds; praise him according to his excellent greatness! Praise him with trumpet sound; praise him with lute and harp! Praise him with tambourine and dance; praise him with strings and pipe! Praise him with sounding cymbals; praise him with loud clashing cymbals!

It might be hard, but find something good to praise God for! This simple change in attitude will make a huge difference. Once you can latch onto one or two great things about your day, then things will go much better. Seriously. 

3. Humility 

Philippians 2:1-3

So if there is any encouragement in Christ, any comfort from love, any participation in the Spirit, any affection and sympathy, complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind. Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus.

Ephesians 4:2-5

With all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace. There is one body and one Spirit—just as you were called to the one hope that belongs to your call— one Lord, one faith, one baptism.

For me, this is the hardest one on this list. Working with humility is so much more than it sounds. It's honestly in your heart, counting others needs above your own. It's apologizing to your son for your harsh tone, it's giving your husband 45 minutes when he walks in the door to relax, even when you really don't want to. But it's more than even that! It's taking the time to serve them. It's getting your husband that glass of water before he asks, and making sure he's comfortable, because his needs come before your own, and what's more, it's doing these things even when he isn't doing them back. It's doing these things even when they aren't reciprocated, joyfully and without complaint. Humility is a trait and an action that people take their entire lives to learn. But it is an essential discipline of the Christian life! 

Now, I'm preaching to myself here. xD Because I struggle with all these things more than even I admit to myself sometimes. 

Thankfully, I have realized that I don't have to do this alone. The women from my church have almost all, at one point or another, offered to take my darlin' for a couple hours so I can get some much needed time to clean and do things. They remember how hard these months are. Today, for the first time, I took one of them up on it. Tomorrow Wiggles is going home with her for a couple of hours so I can clean my house and take a much needed nap. 

We found about two weeks ago now that we're expecting baby #3! :D Which is awesome. But I had forgotten how tired you are these first couple months of being pregnant. Everything seems to wear me down, and all I want to do is eat fruit and sandwiches. Not kidding, Caleb and I went shopping for specifically those two things yesterday. 

Well, time to go apply these things to my life and clean my house. :D See y'all later, and God bless you! 

- Adele