Struggling to Bond with Your Baby: It's Normal!

It's that moment, that moment you've been waiting 10 months for. You've been through 10 hours of labour, and finally he's here, your baby. Your hands reach out when they hand him to you, and you look down and see... 

A screaming, red, raisin. Where was the cute little baby you'd been promised? This wasn't him, this couldn't be him. This little thing is a stranger. And then the little raisin wants to nurse and it hurts and he's up every 2 hours and you just want to sleep. You think of your 1 year old back home who you love so much, and then the guilt sets in. Why don't you love this baby like you love that one? 

...

This was me six months ago. I remember my mom coming down and asking me how I was doing a couple days after Jeremiah was born, and I broke down. Because I didn't love this baby. I mean sure, I was gonna keep him alive, and we were nursing, and I didn't want anything bad to happen to him... but I didn't love him either. He was a stranger, and a mean one at that! 

I felt so bad. 

And you know what my mom said to me? "Yeah. Sometimes it happens like that. You gotta get to know them first. It'll come, but for now, I'm sorry." 

Just like that. Oh right, that. No accusations of child abuse, no hatred, no whispered rumours about how I'm a terrible mom. Just a quiet understanding of how hard it is. 

Sometimes bonding doesn't happen in that moment. Sometimes that perfect moment, isn't so perfect. 

Six months later, I can now say that I adore Jeremiah. I love his perfect little smiles, I love his awesome little giggles. I love how he prefers me to his dad. (Score one for mom!) 

But I didn't then. With Elsie I had that moment. That moment where you first see them and you just love them. I didn't with Miah, and apparently, I'm not the only one. 

Turns out, lots of moms have this issue. Lots of moms look at their children for the first couple weeks/months and think "Who the heck are you and why won't you sleep and why do you want to nurse again, don't you know my nipples hurt?" Turns out, it's normal too. 

To the new mom who is googling this topic. IT IS NORMAL. 

To the grandma who never struggled and is trying to understand her daughter: IT IS NORMAL. 

To the friend who wants to assure her new mom friend: IT IS NORMAL. 

Sometimes you gotta get to know them first. Sometimes... sometimes you have to be the adult in the relationship and take care of that baby even when somewhere deep in your heart, you're angry and resentful and you're sleep deprived and you just want to let him cry for a bit. 

Moms, just keep holding that baby. Keep feeding him, keep getting up and rocking him. One day you will look at him and think "I love you." And you will mean it. Someday you'll look at that little baby and he won't be a stranger anymore. Someday he'll look at you and your heart will melt. I can't promise it will be today, I can't promise it'll be tomorrow. But it'll come. And maybe it won't BE that shiny moment that you're told to expect. Maybe it'll be that one day you wake up and you're happy to see him. And that's good too. 

Moms, IT'S NORMAL. Needing to get to know your child is normal.  

Do me a favour? Call someone, tell them you need help.

You don't have to do any of this alone. No one does. Whether you are struggling to bond, or had that blissful moment of bonding, or you are struggling with just getting up to care for your child... you are NOT alone. There are thousands of moms just like you out there, struggling to bond too, and there are those who have been there before, whose hearts break for you. Who are praying for you, the mom who is reading this post in a panic because she can't stand to hold this screaming ball of sleeplessness anymore. 

Hold on. Someday IS coming. 

I'm praying for you.

Natasha

Now, there is a caution here. If you find yourself so upset you can't care for your baby, or you think you might hurt your baby, get help. Call your mom, your dad, your best friend, your OB or Midwife, call a help line, get someone to come over. Go to someone you trust and tell them you need help. Tell them what you are thinking and they can help you get help. Please. 

When You Are Overwhelmed: When everything is falling apart

If you're a parent... you've been there. Those days when it seems nothing is going right. 

The baby won't stop screaming, you're covered in pee or other bodily fluids, the toddler is throwing a hissy fit, and you can just feel the judgemental stares of that little old lady following you as you try to bounce one and get the other under control, and neither is working. 

Yeah. We've all been there. 

For me lately it's been hard. Miah's colicy, which means he screams for hours. With  no real reason. Lately people have started calling this "Purple crying." I don't care what it is... it is horrible. 

Add that to the fact that I am the only person in the world he won't take a soother from, and the only person who can't calm him down, no matter what I do... And Miah is a tough nut to crack. 

Wiggles has just started her jealous phase. As soon as I nurse Miah, or Caleb holds him... she hits him. Hard. With no warning. The problem is sometimes she's gentle and loving and we want to encourage that, so we can't just keep him constantly out of reach. Her little personality has really developed over the last little bit. She's opinionated, stubborn, and is 1 going on 13 I swear.

My house is never clean anymore. I gave up on it. There are ground up soda crackers in the carpet, and baby clothes scattered everywhere cause Wiggles loves to play with them, and somehow it always seems that dishes are never fully done.

Combine all this with sleep deprivation, and you have one very overwhelmed Mama.

But here's somethings to remember for all of you in the same boat I am. 

God understands.

I know, I know, some of you are sitting here thinking "Really Adele, really?" But no everyone, hear me out. When you are in the midst of a tandem screaming session and neither baby wants to be calmed, or your toddler is freaking out and the baby needs to be nursed and you can't fix both... It seems like you are all alone. It feels like no one understands how tired and frustrated and inadequate you feel. 

God does. 

Cry out to him for wisdom, for strength, for patience, and he'll give it! Take your heart ache before your heavenly Father and he promises that he will meet your needs. Trying to get through this challenging time without the Lord is a bad idea. This is not the time to pull away from God, but rather a time to draw every nearer to him. 

This is only for a season.

Your baby won't always be up all night screaming, and colic eventually goes away. That toddler will develop some manners and will learn obedience if you use some persistence and care. One day that baby will rock himself to sleep and you will sleep through the night again. 

This will not last forever. Everything will adjust itself out eventually, you just gotta wait it out. That blissful six months stage is coming! 

You are the best possible thing for your children right now.

It's so tempting when you're overwhelmed to think "I bet (insert other mothers name), would be better for my kids." Or it's tempting to have thoughts of running away or giving up. 

Oh Mama... you are the very best thing for your child right now. No one knows them like you, probably not even your husband knows them like you. Yes, it seems like you are the last person they need. It seems like you're never going to get this right, but think of it this way. 

These babies are taking the time to voice that something is wrong. Because they trust you to be able to fix it. 

They know that when you are near, the bad things go away. Maybe they just need a cry, and know that in the safety of your arms... they can vulnerable. This is especially true of older babies.

Don't let doubt take away the knowledge that your children where given to you by God for a purpose. Not to anyone else, you. God thought you were the best thing they needed, and don't you forget it. 

Give yourself a break.

I bet you are your hardest critic.

Sorry to break it to you darlin'... but you're human. Trying to meet the needs perfectly of yet another human. Neither of you is perfect, and one of you has limited to no verbal communication skills. Of course you're occasionally going to have problems! 

You don't have to be the perfect mom. Nope, nope you don't. In fact, you can't be. 

Sometimes the baby will cry, and it's ok to just let them... cry. And sometimes the toddler will be freaking out for no reason you can find again, and it's ok to bribe them with a cookie and hope that that solves whatever problem they're having. 

Sometimes being a good mom is saying "I don't know what to do anymore, so I'm going to walk away before I do something I regret." 

Sometimes being a good mom is giving yourself a break and saying "I'm human too, and I'm  not gonna be able to do this perfectly, but I can do my best and God will take care of the rest." 

Most of all.. You are a great mom. Don't let anyone, including yourself, say otherwise.

Being Pregnant... Sucks... and Is the Greatest Thing Ever... All in One.

So I'm 24 weeks pregnant today, and you wanna know something? It sucks. People say being pregnant is the most wonderful thing a woman could ever experience. And they may even be right. But what people forget to tell you along the way is that being pregnant isn't all cute adorable little kicks and smiles at a moving tummy.

Pregnancy sucks.

Pregnancy is aching backs, and morning sickness that is not confined to the morning, and aching stomach muscles because that little baby is pushing as hard as they can against them. It's having cravings for food, and always being hungry, but never wanting to eat. It's insomnia and heart burn and not being able to walk like a normal person. It's crying over stupid things, and getting to fat for all your clothes, and getting the worst acne you've had since you were 13. It's being exhausted all the time, and the most rank morning breath you'll ever have, no matter how often you brush your teeth. It's peeing a little whenever you laugh, and desperately having to pee every two minutes... only to go to the bathroom and pee about a tablespoon worth of urine. It's hemorrhoids and being constipated for four days at a time. It's taking four pills a night just so you get the right amount of nutrients to support the budding life inside you. It's your feet and ankles swelling so much you can't fit them in your cute shoes anymore.

Pregnancy sucks.

BUT. 

Pregnancy is also pretty freaking awesome too.

Pregnancy is feeling those first little flutters of movement and stopping for fifteen minutes and staring at your stomach, hoping it happens again, because it was the coolest stinking thing you've ever felt. It's having an excuse to eat an extra plate at dinner... and your doctor and family don't judge you. It's getting to get a whole new wardrobe to fit your expanding body. It's people petting your stomach, and letting you butt them in the bathroom line. It's watching your husbands face light up as he sees or feels those kicks you've been feeling for awhile. It's having your other kids ask you every two minutes if the baby is awake because they're so excited to get to know that baby they want to feel every little movement they can. It's overwhelming love you didn't know was possible for that little bean inside you. It's singing and feeling that baby kick on the beat, and    poking your stomach and feeling them poke back.

Yeah, it's pretty awesome.

Well worth it. 

Natasha